No-Fun Food

I am about to embark on an odyssey that sounds like about as much fun as an Amish quilting bee. Due to ongoing stomach issues, my doctor has told me I need to eliminate wheat for two whole weeks. And yes, I have had to do this before, but let me be honest here; I wasn't that diligent.

I attempted this last January and I lasted about a week. This was mostly due to the fact that wheat is in EVERYTHING. In fact it most likely is found in trace amounts on the keyboard I am currently using. It is that insidious. I realized this as I was wandering the aisles of Hy-Vee desperately looking for a salad dressing that didn't include derivatives of ol'wheaty. I spent about twice my food budget on wheat-like substitutes like waffles and pizza dough. And in case you were wondering, they taste nothing like the real deal. After suffering the indignity of paying $8 for a package of 4 frozen waffles and realizing they tasted like wet cardboard, I was done with this experiment.

So, here I am again, and this time I am going to give it the full two weeks. I am determined to get to the bottom of my stomach issues and I need to grow up and be an adult. I suppose this would be easier if I wasn't a food addict. I think about food from the morning I wake up until I go to bed. This isn't just because I am fat, I genuinely like to cook and enjoy the sensations of eating. (I remember I once read an article that said people with ADHD tend to have food issues and are overweight because they crave the constant stimulation that eating provides. See? It's not really my fault.)

I think I will embark on this journey next Monday. I want to enjoy pizza at the Wow Zone today and Jeff mentioned going to Donatelli's this Saturday. It would be a crime to go to Donatelli's, (which was featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives on the Food Network), and not have pizza and pasta. Who drives 100 miles to a famous Italian joint only to have a salad? I mean, please.

I will keep you updated on my progress, and on Monday I will have a delcious dinner consisting of air and disappointment.

Good Mornings

I believe there is nothing worse than waking up and being accosted by your loved one and all of their questions. You are barely awake, hardly lucid and struggling trying to remember your own name and your loved one's, and he in all his cheery awake-ness expects you to have a scintallating conversation. This is exactly what happened this morning and I only feel slightly guilty for my snappishness.

I woke up and shuffled to the kitchen to make my oatmeal. I should now explain my underpants were sliding off my butt, and my hair looked remarkably like that of a young Neil Diamond. Jeff immediately started conversations and criticisms of my oatmeal. I was not in the mood. I sat on the couch and Jeff, in all of his cheerful awakity-ness, is chattering like a 7th grade girl with his first cell phone. I was not amused.

For those of you who listen to the show, you know Fridays are really difficult for us. They are the endcap of a long week, and of course, it is the day the Monkey is in all morning long. He will invariably saunter in late and with only half of his work done. There have actually been times when Brad and myself will be laughing and joking in the studio and within minutes of Stunt Monkey arriving we will be teetering between feelings of anger and homicidal rage. If I was observing the studio from the outside, I would assume it was magic. Evil, black magic, but magic nonetheless. For such a loveable and squishy person, Stunt has the ability to turn a room within minutes. He is the Pillsbury Doughboy with an evil agenda. We are only an hour and a half into the show today and already Brad and Stunt have already threatened each other's lives.

We have a remote today at the Wow Zone to help raise money for Mankato's fireworks. Please donate money so we can stop pimping ourselves out for incendiary devices. I will be really pissed if we don't get free pizza outta this deal. Sometimes free food is my only motivator.